


sit back, relax, begin

by asimi_astrapi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Lots of Angst, and maybe torture, as canon as possible, bad words, but i can already tell that's not gonna happen, deals with genocide, internal pain and teen angst, jily, okay not too much but it is wartime, supposed to be a one shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26964373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimi_astrapi/pseuds/asimi_astrapi
Summary: Lily Evans is looking forward to turning sixteen. She just didn't realize that coming of age meant trusting her oldest enemy, and losing faith in just about the rest of the adult world.OR:Lily Evans breaks the rules for the very first time, and she does it for what she believes in.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Kudos: 3





	sit back, relax, begin

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, first fanfic here. So, I wanted to start off small, with a one-shot that was manageable for my confidence, you know? Anyway, my imagination didn't like that idea. So here we are. I can't really tell if it's good or not. Or if it's even in real English. So, feel free to let me know! Cheers, Asimi

Lily had always had conflicted feelings about her birthday season.

The end of January remained dark and gloomy in the only way that being surrounded by blinding white snow all the time could be dark and gloomy; through the disappearing stillness of the sun and life and warmth. But Lily found that she liked the way the icy cold whipped through her when she and Marlene ventured out, and she couldn’t help but smile when the wind howled against Hogwart’s turrets. There was a sort of beauty in the savagery of winter, she supposed, at least until you got sick of it.

Now, two days before her sixteenth birthday, Lily grimaced at the blizzard howling outside her window, hoping for a bit of sun this week. Glancing around the room, she found her favorite golden scarf and stuffed it in her bag just in case Marlene wanted to go outside after class. 

Making her way into the Great Hall for breakfast, Lily slid into a seat next to Mary MacDonald and poured herself a cup of pumpkin juice.

“Hi, Mary!” Lily said brightly, and waited while the other girl paused in her frantic scanning of a long essay to greet her.

“Hey, Lily,” Mary said with a friendly smile, the tension leaving her face slightly as she rolled up her scroll. “Hey, could you do me a huge favor? Do you think we could meet up after class today at the dorm? I really  _ really  _ need help with my essay.” She pleaded, giving Lily her best wide-eyed look of desperation.

“Yeah, of course,” Lily nodded, scooting her plate away from the pretty, tawny owl that landed in front of her and giving it a knut while taking the Daily Prophet.

“Great,” Mary sighed with relief, rubbing her neck sheepishly. “You know, my younger brother is a crazy genius with Charms just like you, and it’s the most annoying thing ever…”

Lily tuned her out, giving the occasional nod and ‘mmhmm’ at the appropriate times. She really was more interested in the ongoings of political Wizarding Britain than what Mary was talking about... in the way that a train-wreck explosion was usually more stimulating than someone’s brother’s favorite subject at school, Lily thought wryly. She scanned the headlines一 nothing much was happening, except Minister Minchum stacking Azkaban with more dementors一 and flipped through the rest, but then she saw an editorial on the very next page:  **“You-Know-Who Strikes Neighborhood in Muggle London, 108 Dead and 7 Missing”** . 

Lily blanched, almost dropping her cup. “Lily, are you okay? You’ve gone white as a sheet,” Mary said with some concern.

Lily stared at the words in front of her, horrified, until she snapped out of her shock.

“Look at this,” she managed, shoving the paper toward Mary. Mary frowned down at the paper for a moment before she paled as well.

“Oh my Merlin,” she whispered, bringing a hand up to her mouth. “That’s terrible.”

“Are you talking about the  _ massacre _ that happened last night?” A voice said darkly. Lily flinched and looked up to see Marlene stalking toward them and plopping down with much more force than necessary. Several people turned to glance at the cause of commotion, but looked away at Marlene’s black scowl. Her blonde curls were untamed like they hadn’t been combed, her eyes narrowed and mouth set in a severe line. She kind of looked like crap, Lily spared a moment to register with a bit of worry.

“Sorry I’m late,” Marlene pronounced flatly, giving them all a dull look. “Minister Minchum was giving an address and I barely just caught it on my radio.”

“You skipped breakfast to listen to  _ Minchum giving an address _ ?” Mary asked incredulously, looking like she wanted to laugh. Lily ignored her, spearing Marlene with a grim look.

“Was it about this?” She gestured to the paper. “What did he say about it?”

Marlene shook her head, mouth tilting down at the corners.

“There were no injured muggles for some reason,” She said, and then her voice went quieter, more subdued. “It’s like a mass grave, with all the bodies.”

There was a moment of heavy silence as they all thought about that, and then Lily said, with something akin to anguish, “This is their biggest attack yet.” She fisted her trembling fingers into her skirt, swallowing rapidly past the feeling of her heart sinking down to her toes.

Another moment of silence accompanied that remark, until Mary broke it.

“Listen,” she said abruptly, with a bit of an edge in her voice, “Can we talk about something else? This is really depressing.” 

Lily stared blankly at her. “Talk about something else?” she repeated.

Mary nodded down at her porridge. “Yeah,” she said, swirling her spoon around. “Anything else.”

Lily got up, shouldering her bag and feeling cold despite her extra warm clothing. “I’m going to the owlery,” she said.

“There’s only a few minutes until Transfiguration starts,” Marlene pointed out, but Lily pretended not to hear, walking quickly enough out of the hall that it felt like she was trying to escape.

It was on her way to class that she started hearing the voices, the whispers, the murmurs of muted shock and grim awareness as the news broke in Hogwarts. It was a big deal一 even though this wasn’t the first attack, or even the fifth. It was the biggest, the boldest, by a large margin. Even the Minister, Lily thought resentfully, could no longer hush it up. She could feel it in the hushed silence, like a noose tightening around them slowly.

They would all move on eventually, once people stopped giving reviews and opinions and discussing it. Some would take a minute, like Mary, and some would take a day, a week. But Lily, sitting at a desk with her stomach trying to bubble out of her mouth, could feel the safety of muggleborns and muggles eroding away, like it was the very ground she stood on that was eroding away into sand. 

After all, who could possibly protect them?

* * *

“Hey, Evans.”

Lily’s eyes paused on the words in front of her. She  _ slowly _ looked up, already squinting suspiciously at the person who had just dropped himself into the armchair in front of her.

“Black,” she returned evenly, trying not to be instantly apprehensive at the sight of him.

“How you doing?” He gave her an amiable smile, which only made her frown more.

“Good,” Lily said politely, “How are you doing?”

“Eh, you know,” he shrugged, like the conversation was already on the verge of boring him. “Listen, Remus wanted to talk to you about some prefect stuff, but he’s in the hospital wing right now. We told him it could wait a couple days but, you know him, he insisted...” Sirius paused to roll his eyes. 

“Anyway, since it’s not safe for muggleborns to be out alone, I thought I’d escort you there.” He gave her a crooked smile and an elegant little flourish, hopping to his feet. “So, come on.”

“Oh. That’s...nice of you,” Lily said, unsure. And then: “What exactly do you mean, it’s not safe for muggleborns to be alone anymore?”

Sirius scowled angrily as he led her through the portrait hole. “The Slytherins,” he said. “They’ve gotten  _ bolder  _ since Voldemort’s last attack,” he said with a ferocious sneer, and Lily grimaced with him.

“Is Dumbledore really just letting them assault muggleborn students without any consequences?” Lily asked gloomily, as their footsteps echoed down the corridor.

Sirius gave her a quick glance, and Lily was struck for a moment at how similar he looked to his brother Regulus, yet how different he was.

“We don’t have any proof yet,” he said grimly, and Lily waited for more but he left it at that. 

When they got to the Hospital Wing, Lily’s first reaction was concern一Remus looked terrible, really terrible. Dark shadows circled his eyes, and it looked like he’d managed to lose ten pounds in two days by starving himself. Lily shot a worried look at Sirius, who was watching Remus with his lips tilted down at the edges.

“Remus! How are you? Are you okay?” Lily asked, sitting in the chair next to him carefully.

Sirius gave an amused scoff. “Look at him, Evans, does he look okay to you?”

“Shut up, Sirius,” Remus said easily, “I feel fine. Listen, Lily, thank you so much for covering my shift last night.” Remus rearranged his blankets, a look of guilt shifting over his features. “I don’t know how to make it up to you.”

“That’s what this is about?” Lily asked with a confused smile. “Remus, you’re  _ really  _ sick. Of course you missed patrolling, there’s no need to apologize!” Remus gave her a relieved smile and Lily shook her head exasperatedly, when a few moments later the door opened.

“Moony, you better still be up, I brought you-” Lily turned, then blinked at James Potter, standing in the doorway holding several plates stacked on top each other.

“-food.” Potter finished, giving her a quick skim before surveying Sirius and Remus. “From the kitchens.” His gaze returned to Lily. “You gonna snitch on us, Evans?”

“For what?” She asked, confused, and slightly defensive. She glanced at Sirius, hoping for some context, but he was setting up the plates and giving one to Remus, like they didn’t even exist.

“For bringing food from the kitchens to the hospital wing,” James said conspiratorially. “It’s against school rules, you know. So, are you going to report us?” 

Lily stared at him for a moment, unsure if he was being antagonistic or just teasing. Or really just making sure, because he was now eyeing her inquisitively like he actually wanted an answer.

Lily cleared her throat, glancing at Remus. “Uh, no. Yeah, no, I wasn’t going to tell anyone.” She crossed her arms.

“Nice,” Potter said lightly, raising an eyebrow at her, and she glanced at all three of them for a moment.

“I should probably get going,” she said, and then, with a bit more sincere feeling, “Feel better, Remus.”

“Prongs can take you back,” Sirius said, throwing his feet up onto the table and sinking a big bite into an apple. Lily glanced at Potter really quickly.

“Oh! I don’t- yeah, I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Lily said, startled, with a bit of a laugh.

Potter shrugged. “It’s not an issue for me,” he said, using an arm to hold the door open for her. Lily bit her lip, glanced from Sirius to Remus to James, and then hid her grimace.

“Alright,” Lily said irritatedly, trying not to grumble inside, “See you guys later, then.”

They walked, for the most part, in relative silence, until the walk stretched out long enough that societal decorum dictated they make small talk.

“So,” Potter said, running a casual hand through his hair, “How’s, uh, it going?”

“It’s going well,” Lily replied neutrally. “How-”

“Really?” He said, a bit too quickly, and Lily cut herself off, confused once again.

“I mean,” He said, eyes warming a bit more as he took her in, “It would be okay if you weren’t. The last attack…” his voice grew quiet. “...was really hard for us all to take.”

Lily’s mouth tightened, because it was true: she wasn’t okay. There was something hanging in the air that there wasn’t before, a weight sitting on her chest that wouldn’t budge. The constant attacks and bigoted remarks on the news and the true realization of her own helplessness was always in her mind, her inner dialogue picking apart every bad thing happening in the universe, until her nerves were so frayed that she was sure she was losing it.

But why would she tell James Potter any of that?

“It’s been three days,” she said instead, voice quiet. She turned to watch the firelight flickering against the stone, casting creepy shadows in the shape of their silhouettes. “Most of us are over it now.”

“I see,” he said, voice steady. But she knew him well enough by now一six damn years, for God’s sake一and, what was that? Was he  _ judging  _ her?

“What? People aren’t allowed to move on?” Lily demanded, disregarding how she’d had the exact same conversation with Mary, and she’d been the one judging.

“I didn’t say anything,” he said evenly, raising an eyebrow at her, and she paused and considered him...because, wow, that was a remarkable change from anything he might have said a year ago.

Lily sighed. “Well then, why  _ don’t  _ you tell me what you think?”

He eyed her for a long moment, then shrugged. “Well, fine. Maybe I was judging you a bit. But, I mean, really? Where’s the anger, Evans?” He turned to face her, widening his eyes mockingly and waggling his fingers. “Where’s your  _ righteousness _ ?” Lily scowled at him, but he wasn’t done, becoming more genuinely vexed the more he talked.

“Think about it. You know, you literally spent two days with steam coming out of your ears after we blew up potions class with slime. You yelled at me for 17 and half minutes straight一I counted! And a hundred people have died, and you don’t even spend half the same energy or time on it? What’s the matter? Did you waste it all on me?” Lily gaped at him.

“Sure!” Lily exclaimed. “You know, if I ever thought that marching up to Voldemort and giving him a good lecture would get him to stop  _ murdering _ people, trust me, Potter, I would have given him the lecture of a lifetime! What the bloody hell do you want me to do? Sulk? Punch someone in the face like you might? Being angry is a waste of time right now because there’s nothing we can do about it!” She shouted, jabbing a finger at him. “Did you ever think that maybe you don’t get it? Maybe you’d just  _ never  _ be able to understand what I’m going through as a muggleborn! You don’t know what it’s like to have to think about how your parents might be next and you’re absolutely _ helpless _ !” Potter’s eyes widened, and then narrowed. He opened his mouth, but didn’t seem to know what he was going to say, so Lily continued.

“So yeah,” Lily said, taking a deep, calming breath, “I get why people want to move on. I get why they might not want to dwell on it. It’s not because they’ve forgotten. It’s not because they don’t care. It’s because it sucks. And what’s the great point of being miserable about everything bad and evil happening right now anyway?” Lily asked him scathingly.

Potter scowled, but tipped his head back to the ceiling and remained silent for a moment. When he spoke, it was measured and icy.

“You’re wrong, actually,” he said. He turned to look at her. “When you said it’s not because they don’t care. It’s exactly that. How long do you empathize with those people who lost their family and put yourself in their shoes? Maybe five minutes before it gets too negative for you, right? You get the privilege of not giving a fuck when people are dying out there. You get to live your life, doing nothing to help them. You get to choose your own happiness.” 

Lily stared at him, blinking rapidly like he’d slapped her, and almost tripped over the portrait hole.  _ He _ was… he was criticizing  _ her?  _ Holy Merlin, was he right? Was she being extremely privileged right now? The thought sent a stab of pain straight through her head.

“I guess there isn’t a point,” he continued, “If you’re not doing anything about it. There isn’t a point to being miserable all the time, if you’re not going to do anything, I mean. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important to recognize exactly how fucked up everything Voldemort’s doing is. Like, it’s just so easy to ignore it because it’s too depressing to think about, yeah? But then if everyone’s so busy ignoring it, who’s going to stop him?”

Lily frowned deeply.

“Well, what can we do about it, then?” She asked slowly, searching his expression as he went to stand in front of the boys’ stairs. “Do you...are you planning something?” Lily asked, half skepticism, half accusation.

Potter blinked. “No,” he scoffed, and then reconsidered. “Not yet, anyway.” He glanced at her thoughtfully, narrowing his eyes. “But if I was,” he coughed, “Going to plan something, that is. Would you, by any chance, be… disinclined to tell McGonagall?”

Lily glared at him through narrowed eyes. “I would never say anything unless it was extremely juvenile and hurtful to other people,” she grated out, irritation steeped in every syllable.

“You’ve come a long way, Evans,” Potter said appraisingly, with a small smirk. Lily made an annoyed sound in the back of her throat.

“I was always  _ reasonable _ , Potter. It’s you who’s gone from enjoying other people’s misery and humiliation to wanting to  _ save  _ lives,” she said, eyeing him sharply.

He looked at his shoes and made a face. “Snivellus doesn’t qualify as an innocent person, Evans. I thought you stopped defending him a while ago.”

“That’s an immature and unnecessarily mean name,” Lily said coldly, and Potter started to glare at her. “And just because I stopped excusing him doesn’t mean I have to start excusing you.” Potter rolled his eyes so hard she was almost surprised they didn’t fly out of his sockets.

“Of course not, Evans,” He said wryly. “I don’t know what I was thinking bringing this topic up. Whatever, good night.” He waved a hand in her direction and began climbing the stairs, and she stared at him for a moment, completely at a loss. 

“Yeah. Erm… good night, Potter.” She turned and headed up to her dorm, a peculiar feeling in her chest where the crushing weight used to be.

**Author's Note:**

> The titles are taken from the song "Can't Go to Hell" by Sin Shake Sin. Amazing song, amazing band. Really felt like the emotional crux of this fic.


End file.
